How to Harness the Power of Symbolic Actions
Wedding ceremonies tend be thought of as primarily expressed in words and written in a script prepared by the celebrant. But humans also communicate with signs, symbols and symbolic actions which have a profound and complex language of their own. For example that two-fingered salute which can mean “victory” or “up yours” depending on which way round you use it. Sometimes these symbolic acts quickly acquire incredible power to stir people’s emotions. Think of “taking the knee” and the “black power” salute, both of which can inspire a sense of togetherness whilst at the same time making others feel angry and threatened. As a humanist celebrant of many years standing – here is a distillation of some of the things I’ve learned about symbolic actions in weddings and how to use them.
The most commonly used symbolic actions
Many wedding celebrants treat symbolic actions as bolt-on extras, but in fact even the most traditional style European wedding is already replete with symbolism. Often the celebrant, the couple and the guests will perform these, what might be called “traditional” symbolic acts, without even really thinking about it. Some of the most obvious examples include:
- Making an entrance. How the couple enter makes an immediate statement about the kind of wedding that is about to take place. If the groom awaits the bride, who is escorted by her father and a retinue of bridesmaids and possibly groomsmen, then there is clear message that the wedding will contain many “traditional” elements and will be family-centred. On the other hand if the couple enter together, hand in hand, then that is making a quite different set of statements about the couple and their relationship. One couple I worked with were very clear that the bride would enter with her retinue, until she reached the outer set of seats for the guests, at which point the groom would walk up the “aisle” to greet her and then they would walk back down the aisle together. This made a very particular statement about that couple, which perhaps more than anything said – “look folks we’re going to do this ‘our way’.”
- Exits and confetti. The fact that almost all weddings begin with an entrance and end with the couple making an exit together is highly symbolic of the fact that marriage is a “rite of passage” and an act of union. The throwing of confetti is a popular symbolic action as the couples makes their exit. This action provides a moment of release for guests after the formality of the ceremony, but it’s also reckoned to symbolise prosperity or fertility, as well as being a salutation. Perhaps too there is a subversive element with the guests trying to mess up the perfection of the couple’s appearance, which is maybe suggestive of the party to come. Part of the purpose of symbolic actions is that their meaning is often ambiguous, so that they can represent different things to people at the same time.
- Partings. If marriage involves a joining it can also be seen as a parting from or change to other relationships, most notably that between parents and child. In some cultures there is a tradition of the father “giving away” the bride, which can make modern couples (and celebrants) very uncomfortable as it refers back to a time when women were seen as property. One common way in which this sense of moving on to a new relationship is recognised is for a father to accompany the bride down the aisle and then part with a squeeze of the arm and a kiss of the cheek, which can be both a subtle and powerful recognition of the parents’ change of status. On a few occasions I have led ceremonies where the groom came in with his mother and parted in a similar way.
- The joining of hands. Commonly during the saying of vows the couple join hands, a gesture that has many meanings, including love, affection, friendship and support. Crucially, the holding of hands is a reciprocal act, which can therefore also symbolise equality.
- The exchange of rings. Most couples exchange rings, although other “tokens” can also be used, such as necklaces. The ring is a particularly strong symbol because of its circular shape, indicating that it is without end, whilst also having an interior and exterior face, like a relationship. It is usually made of gold to represent permanence.
- The kiss. The kiss on the lips is pretty much a worldwide symbol of love and passion and is the climactic moment of the vast majority of wedding ceremonies.
Some more unusual choices
Here are some more examples of symbolic actions that have been used in weddings to add meaning, drama and shape to the ceremony:
- Ring Warming. In a ring-warming, the rings are passed around the assembled guests before the exchange, for each to hold briefly and imbue with blessings and good wishes. It’s a lovely way to get the guests involved in the ceremony.
- Sand blending. The couple and sometimes other family members, bring some sand to the ceremony in a container. At some point, they add their sand to a larger glass container or vase and mix it. If the sands are dyed different colours, it produces a pleasing pattern in the container, which can be kept as a souvenir.
- Handfasting. This is said to have Celtic origins and involves the couple holding hands while ribbons are used by the celebrant or sometimes family and friends to literally “tie the knot”. This can be accompanied by vows or a verse to explain the significance of the ritual. There are quite a few variations and plenty of information on the Internet, for example this video by the Humanist Society Scotland.
- Drinking from a “Quaich” or “loving cup. This ritual has Scottish origins, a “Quaich” being a two-handed cup from which the couple drink, to symbolise the start of their sharing their lives together. The cup can also be passed to other family members. This ritual is also appropriate for wedding receptions.
- Jumping the broom. The couple jump hand in hand over a broom. This tradition has diverse origins and was used by slaves in the Southern states of America (you can see a version in the TV series of “Roots”) as well as being a Romany tradition. It may also be the origin of the expression “living over the brush” used since the nineteenth century to describe working class couples who wouldn’t or couldn’t marry. It has several layers of meaning, including the idea of “sweeping away the old” and of taking a “leap of faith”.
- Glass smashing. This is most notably a Jewish tradition in which one or two wine glasses, in a cloth bag or wrapped in napkins, are smashed underfoot by the couple. The ritual has a host of meanings, including to represent the fragility of life and to make a noise to ward off demons.
- Unity candle. Flame is a tremendously powerful symbol used in many different types of ceremony, most commonly to represent life itself. There are many variations of this symbolic action, but most involve the couple lighting a large single candle from two smaller candles or tapers, to represent the joining together of their lives and families. It’s most effective in an indoor location where light levels can be lowered and raised to focus attention on the flame.
- Bubble blowing. This is a fun and less messy alternative to confetti.
- “High fives”. One groom I’ve worked with was most insistent that he wanted to “high five” his bride and for that particular couple it was exactly the right thing to do. I’ve suggested it to other couples and found it’s a real “marmite” issue (couples seem to love it or hate it and it’s very difficult to predict the reaction).
But this is powerful stuff so use with care
This is just a selection of things that can work in a ceremony and really the sky is the limit for designing your own symbolic actions. Where the couple come from different cultural backgrounds this can provide a rich source of content. For example, I have been involved in weddings which have incorporated a Chinese tea ceremony and the “saptapadi” or “seven steps around the flame” that is part of a Hindu wedding ceremony.
However, the most important thing to remember is that symbolic actions draw their power primarily from the couples’ investment in them. If they really mean something to the couple then that will be powerfully communicated to their guests. If on the other hand a symbolic act has been included just to make a nice photo opportunity, it will have all the allure of a congealed fried egg. If you want to discover more about unlocking the power of symbolic actions in your wedding ceremony then send me an email or fill in my contact form.
